Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
