my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
