Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize