we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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