So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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