I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
