I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Dear god my vagina.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
