I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
