Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
