ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
