his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
