oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
