Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
