Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
