only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
