I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
