how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
