dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
