i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Farmville is her only friend.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
