Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
What drink are we having for lunch?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
