sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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