oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
