went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
