I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
