I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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