The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
