I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
