i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
