he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
