I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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