My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
