never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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