So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
then he tried to convert me to islam
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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