I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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