What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
