I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I forgot wine drunk hurts
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
