His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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