saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize