And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
