hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
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