I hate all girls vehemently.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize