Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
