I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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