Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Still dying that you shit outside
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
