Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
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