I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
