You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
