I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize