he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
