also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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