Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize