I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My dick has a subreddit
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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