I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
