what day is it and did you see me today?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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