I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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