I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My vagina just clenched in fear
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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