people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
