im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I am one with the molecules
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
