I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
