you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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