so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
